sun | the moral keeper

"Take it all back. Life is boring, except for flowers, sunshine, your perfect legs. A glass of cold water when you are really thirsty. The way bodies fit together. Fresh and young and sweet. Coffee in the mornings. These are just moments. I struggle with the in-betweens. I just want to never stop loving like there is nothing else to do, because what else is there to do?"

- Pablo Neruda

 

Today was that kind of day. Not a life altering kind of day, although maybe one day I will realize that it was, but a day in which the loveliness seems to be magnified and the sun's selfless love that it gives to Earth seemed immeasurable. It was just a simple day, that made me grateful, on an incomprehensible level, that I was alive and well.

I don't get to sleep in much anymore. My work schedule has me up before most birds Monday - Saturday and on Sunday I try to catch morning church service. But this past week I have been sick. I caught a nasty cold and a nuisance of a sinus infection decided to join and I realized that I am the least pleasant person in the world when I am sick this week. So I decided to power down my phone before bed and unplug my alarm clock. 

I woke up to the sun piercing through and fits of giggles outside of my bedroom window. 

I especially love how my bedroom is pieced together. There is a large window, almost the size of the entire wall and high vaulted ceilings; although the room itself is quite quaint, often I wake up feeling like I am lying in an oversized manor. And the laughter of the kiddos that run around just humble my heart; I know that the town I live in is one people dream of.

Usually I take my coffee straight black. I want to taste every ounce of caffeine in the richy-goodiness that I don't even mess with milk or creamer. When I lived in Cambodia, locals were often confused by this concept because to them coffee was 70% sweetened condensed milk, 20% ice 10% coffee.  On the hottest days, I thought it was brilliant! Seeing that today was the first day of the new year that reached over 70 degrees, I thought it was the perfect day to celebrate the fact that spring was coming so I ran off to the store for condensed milk { and bananas because can you have Khmer coffee without bananas and peanut butter? Nope! }

There was just something about the glare from the sun today that was more welcoming than usual. "The Middle," by Jimmy Eat World  came on the radio, accompanying the wind that was naturally drying my hair. For those who really know me, know that I love Jimmy Eat World { One Tree Hill, you did wonders to my music collection } and for some others you know how important this song is to me. I have my students listen to it, every participant of SYNERGY Day listens to it, and I come back to it time and time again.  The message of:"Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride," just allowed me a space to breathe. And as I drove in my car, with the windows down and sun staring straight at me, I got to breathe in the sweet, fresh abundant air that hugged my body. 

The thing about spring blooming in five days and days like today is that this wasn't always this sunny and magnificent for me.

February of my freshmen year at university was extremely difficult for me. My dad was sent back to Afghanistan, I was dating this guy who I didn't even like or agree on anything with, I was in courses that didn't seem to move me me so my grades were poor, and honestly there wasn't a February I couldn't remember not being this sad. 

I remember walking home from class one evening. Snow silently laid on the ground, untouched as people slowly tip-toed on the sidewalk trying not to slip and the sky was an eerie grey. Convinced that my parents would never trust me to live on my own again, if I told them how sad I was I decided to leave it alone. Instead, I went back to my dorm room and began my transfer application to Georgetown. Maybe I would be happier there. 

Then I started to realize that I was sad before I got to university too. The words "clinically depressed," piggy backed with me for months, years even. There was a sense of brokenness that seemed unredeemable. I had convinced myself that I would never break through and be anything more than a girl who hated her self, got too dizzy at parties from being drunk and continuously made mistakes. 

I remember wonder if I would be happier if I was just gone

There would be plenty of nights that I laid awake, thinking of a name I would tell strangers and looking up places I would move to. What I wanted was to be anything but myself. What I needed, was to find myself.

I wish I could remember the moment when. The moment when I realized that this life of mine was worth something. That I was worth something. I wish that I could remember what I was doing, what I was wearing and what the sky smelled like. But maybe it is better this way, not remember the exacts. Because. if I do, then I will be holding onto a feeling, a specific moment. When really, what I needed and got instead was a reality. 

A big, bold, bright punch in the gut that had me toppling over wondering why I was ever so depressed.  

It wasn't until last February that I began to sleep during the month. From 2012-2014 I was so afraid that if I fell asleep at all, during the month of February depression would creep right back under my bedroom door and engulf me until I was suffocating. But I am not afraid of February anymore.

It is days like today, when I realize how genuinely blessed I am. 

Even when everything might go wrong in the day, I still have so much to be grateful for. 

The sun, I have always thought, is a great moral keeper; she tells us that we have to show up every single day, and not ask for a damn thing in return because seeing those dance around us is payment enough. 

And if we are lucky enough, and yes darling we are, we get to be those dancers too.

I always look forward to spring. Not only are the days getting longer, but it saves me.

 Every single time.