Field Notes 01

As seen on Instagram { @cordeliahart } this week //  

To the girls and boys with messy hair and hearts,

Does your head hurt from crying so hard last night? Mine does too. With the right amount of green and chia tea today, it'll get better. It amazes me how we as humans are able to go through so much before allowing one moment of stillness to just cry and break down. I have been told several times I need to cry more. Naturally, I just don't let things bother me that much. I am only allotted so much time and energy in a day - why waste it? But yesterday was needed.

It was needed because as a college student who is about to be done with course work I question if I made the right choice.

I needed to just allow myself to break down because my friend warned me not to let my heart hop, skip and miss a beat when it comes to this boy and I did anyway; which meant not fully being there for someone else who is always there and needed me.

I needed yesterday, because I was able to be honest with myself. When it comes to bad days for my friends I am at their door step in a heart beat with tea, ready to drive them around town until they feel better. I believe that sometimes silence is key, validating our feelings through a song and simply just not being alone can cure any bad day. And if I'm being honest with myself, then this is my truth; I need people and kindness too. For years I have convinced myself that I'm happiest when I'm helping others and that it makes me so happy that I can sustain myself with it.
But the truth is, I need your phone to pick up when I call crying and full of self doubt, even at an inconvenient time.

So to those with messy hair and hearts, tell people you are human and you need them too. Allow yourself to just break it all down, I promise you'll feel better in the morning. And mostly, congratulations to making it to Wednesday; I hope today is a lot better for you. 

This week, was hideously bad. Not in a I-over-slept-every-day-this-week kind of week, but in a gut- wrenching, what-am-I-doing-in-life kind of way. I brushed Monday off as a case of the Mondays. I cried for five hours before heading to bed on Tuesday, and by Wednesday I was ready to pull myself together but the week had other plans for me. 

Through the mud of it, there was some good that came out of it. Maybe I didn't see it manifest throughout the week, but I am able to take a few lessons out of it - and I think that in itself is the purpose of the-terrible-no-good-weeks.

Lesson #1: the moment that you say you are giving up on someone { yep I had that teacher moment this week } is the moment you give up on your ability to empathize, sympathize and the trust within yourself to preserve long enough to find the diamond underneath the dirt and junk.

Lesson #2: people will in fact show up for you. But I learned that you have to tell them. You have to be upfront and honest. You have to be willing to say, "I need you. I am human and I break too." And as much as we categorize being vulnerable as this pitiful monster, people respond. And it is freeing. You can't just expect people to know you are having a bad day or that you need them. To be frank, we as a human race have become masters at wearing masks. Tell someone you need them, its okay.

Lesson #3: and when someone does tell you that they need you, show up for them. In the fullest capacity. Put all of your junk away for just a moment, hand them a blanket with a cup of green tea and just sit there willing to hold. Willing to hold the silence until they are ready. Willing to hold them. Willing to hold their secrets.

Lesson #4: spend nights with someone who will laugh with you in bed and be willing to make cupcakes with you at one in the morning because you are too energized from all the laughter.

Lesson #5:  people notice. People notice when you stumble miserably, but they notice even more when you are your upmost graceful and exuberant. Yesterday, I was presented at a breakfast with the words "mentor" and "inspiring" attached to my name. It was humbling. It was humbling not only because those are some heavy words, but it was humbling to see that someone sees me. They see a girl with a vision of wanting to touch lives and dedicate her life to the service of others. Most of the time we don't see when other people see us -- so do it, tell someone you see them. Tell someone that you notice. You notice their hard work, their effort, their dream, their ability to do good in this world. Notice and tell them. 

Mama said there would be days like this, and let me tell you something darling, that's alright.

We have so much to learn.

This, this is the learning curve.